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Jokes

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Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Mar 14, 2010 8:02 pm

GETTING MARRIED

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a
stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you
the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell
heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds ......."

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimers?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson Disease?
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and
indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do.."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and
canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
HERE IT COMES...








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> **Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
>
Última edición por billpatt el Dom Abr 04, 2010 10:56 pm, editado 1 vez en total
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Mar 16, 2010 6:57 pm

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this .....









You've got male!!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Mar 16, 2010 7:03 pm

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this
to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you
all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,
gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the
End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
=
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Mar 17, 2010 3:50 am

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you tell jokes...


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but certainly not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Mar 17, 2010 3:54 am

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Mar 22, 2010 7:29 pm

The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf.

So forget
about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a
10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"



The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."



So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him"
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Mar 23, 2010 7:25 pm

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?

I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES THEN
PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES AND THE GERMANS GERMS!!!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Mar 23, 2010 7:32 pm

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband. That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT
have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
" You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Mar 24, 2010 10:26 pm

A man who was watching a hockey game on TV from the Olympics

kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.



"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.

"You already know how to play Hockey!"
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Mar 30, 2010 2:31 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom , Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.
He turned to the third Mom , Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brother Willie is waiting for us.'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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