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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Abr 02, 2010 10:44 am

A Jamaican went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Jamaicans. The game warden ordered the Jamaican to show his hunting license, and the Jamaican pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Alabama duck. You got a Alabama huntin' license, boy?" The Jamaican reached into his wallet and produced an Alabama hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Georgia duck. This duck's from Florida.. You got a Florida license?" The Jamaican reached into wallet and produced a Florida hunting license.


The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Georgia duck. This here duck's from North Carolina. You got a North Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the Jamaican reached into his wallet and brought out a North Carolina hunting license.


The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Jamaican"Just where the hell are you from???!!!"

The Jamaican turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Abr 03, 2010 1:11 pm

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '


'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Marzo - Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Abr 04, 2010 3:53 am

Estamos con la juventud!!!

Ya está bueno de que los padres de familia quieran mandar sobre los jóvenes!!

Aquí está la mejor recomendación a los jóvenes:
Adjuntos
Teenagers-get a job.jpg
Teenagers-get a job.jpg (36.81 KiB) Visto 2503 veces
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Abr 05, 2010 1:47 am

easterbunny.jpg
easterbunny.jpg (61.64 KiB) Visto 2503 veces
easterbunny.jpg
easterbunny.jpg (61.64 KiB) Visto 2503 veces
All I need to know
I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.



AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

Happy Easter!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Abr 13, 2010 11:39 am

GERMAN FLOAT
This float was in a parade in Berlin , You've Got to Love those Germans.........They have A Great sense of humor!

Berlin.Obama.jpg
Y esa rubia.....¿Es Hillary?
Berlin.Obama.jpg (33.89 KiB) Visto 2498 veces



Is that Hillary... ??
What is she hanging on to?







Answer:

His stimulus package
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Abr 18, 2010 10:12 pm

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10
years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Abr 20, 2010 9:12 am


A Nun Grading Papers



Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE . NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS..

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12.. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Abr 20, 2010 4:52 pm

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


Patch.jpg
Patch.jpg (15.69 KiB) Visto 2495 veces





It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Abr 20, 2010 5:07 pm

Subject: Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Abr 28, 2010 5:36 pm

dblond.gif
Typical dumb blond
dblond.gif (515.19 KiB) Visto 2493 veces
During a recent password audit, it was found that a

blonde was using the following password:



"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said

she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters

long and include at least one capital
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