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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab May 01, 2010 6:45 pm

The Candy With The Little Hole



This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.


Lifesavers.jpg
Lifesavers.jpg (14.76 KiB) Visto 1852 veces




The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue May 06, 2010 6:48 pm

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After our hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue May 06, 2010 6:49 pm

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-----------------------------------
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue May 06, 2010 6:51 pm

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked.. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------

And, my favorite is:


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, "Well... she's there."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun May 10, 2010 7:12 pm

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."


After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab May 15, 2010 11:32 pm

A Chinese man goes for divorce,

Judge: What's the reason?

Chinese: Me no come, she no come, baby come, how come?
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab May 15, 2010 11:33 pm

Why didn't someone think of this before!!!



Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!

It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed.


This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the P A system, " Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Perfect!!!!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun May 17, 2010 10:45 pm

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie May 21, 2010 2:28 pm

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie May 21, 2010 5:04 pm

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you
just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot
of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold
teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water
with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country..
I to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !
-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a
long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.;


"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes,
and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.
And I want to have white skin like Americans"
---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans,
a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"


THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .


The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you're a White American, you have to fend for yourself."



Be careful what you wish for...
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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