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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie May 21, 2010 5:06 pm

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie May 21, 2010 6:02 pm

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.
And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie May 21, 2010 6:18 pm

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school. What is your name? – asked the teacher.
Mohammed. .answered the kid.

You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny, – replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
How was your day, Mohammed? – asked his mother.
My name is not Mohammed.. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny.

Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you! – and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, What happened to you little Johnny"?

Well ma'am, 10 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun May 31, 2010 11:07 am

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of
hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
then leaned over and said,

'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun May 31, 2010 11:26 am

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker asked, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes -- it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a running'. And 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"



"Then I call them by their last names.."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun May 31, 2010 11:43 am

“What is your name?”, said the passenger to a sexy hostess.


“Benz, Sir”, she answered.

“Lovely name”, he said. “Any relation to Mercedes Benz” ?

“Just the same price, Sir”.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Jun 01, 2010 6:17 pm

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor GX-W3n » Dom Jun 06, 2010 10:46 pm

billpatt escribió:While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution.
I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.
You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution.

When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
Well bring it on.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.
And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.



ahora q lo dices....... se puede hacer eso en panama... xD
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Jun 09, 2010 9:48 am

One day an old German Shepherd stops chasing rabbits because he’s discovered that he's lost that game. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!


Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Jun 10, 2010 2:51 am

The Case for Clear Title to Property
....Only in Louisiana

You have to love this lawyer - It's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual Letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain, the land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the Privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I am sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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