LatinOL - El Portal de Panamá
 
 

 
 
Foros Chat Clasificados Cine Correo Música
Foros
Fecha actual Jue Feb 20, 2020 8:12 pm

  ●  Mi perfil
  ●  Buscador
  ●  Moderadores
  ●  Reglamento
  ●  Temas Activos



Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

Comparte este tema en redes sociales:

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Jun 17, 2013 5:29 pm

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world..........

......then He made the earth round.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Jun 20, 2013 2:11 pm

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy,'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jim, retired Southwest Airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
So Captain Jim goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed...'.
:evil:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Jun 24, 2013 11:06 am

The Sensuous Wife

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband.


She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.


She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"


"No," he said, now really, really intrigued.


"Go look in the garage..."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Jun 28, 2013 5:26 pm

talian Fire Department
One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved,
so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company
that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in
because the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the
fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Eizabeth, NJ .

This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down
fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,
passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement
as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to
fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time, the old timers
had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully
announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment
he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event
on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
fire chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'

:magia: 'Wella,' said Chief Giancarlo Luccinelli,
the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna
do isza fixa de brakes on dat fookinna truck!!'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Jul 04, 2013 10:34 pm

Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womans husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigan bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Jul 10, 2013 6:11 pm

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.


One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

:zzz:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Jul 15, 2013 8:38 pm

A Cure for Anger
>
> A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
>
> The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
>
>
>
>
> The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
>
>
>
> The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
>
> Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
>
>
>
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
>
>
>
> The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed
>
> right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
>
>
>
> The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick". Heehee. apparently it works.
>
>
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Jul 18, 2013 6:20 am

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches.

She replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said,
"She also stole a can of peas"
:D
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Jul 18, 2013 2:41 pm

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons . Civil engineers build targets .


Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer . Just look at all the joints".
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections".
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".


He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want".
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool !
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Jul 26, 2013 11:42 am

Male Cycle
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.


(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.


(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
:evil:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
Avatar de Usuario
billpatt
Moderador
Moderador
 
Mensajes: 2183
Registrado: Vie Mar 12, 2010 6:56 pm
Sexo: No especificado

AnteriorSiguiente

Comparte este tema en redes sociales:

Volver a Mayores de 40

¿Quién está conectado?

Usuarios navegando por este Foro: No hay usuarios registrados visitando el Foro y 4 invitados


Síguenos en
Facebook Twitter YouTube


cron
Quantcast