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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Jul 27, 2013 12:06 am

Married too long...





Married Life:



The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!



I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.



:tongo:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Ago 03, 2013 5:20 pm

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Ago 03, 2013 6:12 pm

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He
could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed
of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really
shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you
might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before
you can be
accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,

six lawyers,

six meth dealers,

six Muslim extremists,

six Democrats,

and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"

I LOVE TEXAS :tongo:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Ago 03, 2013 6:13 pm

British Humor


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the
Middle East. Two million Muslims died And over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and The governments don't know where To
Start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending fruit supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, Cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending Labour to assist in rebuilding the
Infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams And supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone,
Is sending two million replacement Muslims. Yes! Two million...

God Bless GREAT BRITAIN .... Damn those Brits are smart :wtf:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Ago 08, 2013 4:34 pm

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Ago 14, 2013 7:47 am

Diálogo entre una entrevistadora y un bebedor de cerveza.



-Ella: ¿Bebe Ud. todos los días?

-El: sí

-¿cuánto al día?

-3 six packs, comenzando desde medio día...

-¿cuánto le cuesta un six pack?

-depende dónde lo compre, pero más o menos $ 6.00 dólares cada six

-y ¿desde cuándo bebe esa cantidad de cerveza?

- 15 años

-así que consume $18.00 al día; eso da más o menos $540.oo al mes. En un año gasta usted más de $6,480.00 en cerveza.

-Es correcto...

-sin contar la inflación, $6,480.00 al año por 15 años da una cantidad cercana a $98,000.00

-sí, estoy consciente

-¿Se le ha ocurrido que si no hubiera tomado en esos 15 años, se podría haber comprado un sofisticado Mercedes Benz?

-Sí. Pero dígame,.. ¿Y usted toma?

-no para nada

-¿y dónde está su pinche Mercedes?



:zzz:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Ago 14, 2013 6:22 pm

There are three kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Then some get married and wonder what happened!
. . . . . . . . . . .

Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument.
. . . . . . . . . . .

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!"
. . . . . . . . . . .

Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for supper."
Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
Husband: "I know all that."
Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!"
. . . . . . . . . . .

Message to mother-in-law:
"Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours.”
. . . . . . . . . . .

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake!"

:mariposa:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Ago 15, 2013 11:05 am

Definition Of Old

=======

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'? And that, my
friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

=======

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied:
'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She
responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

=======

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'

=======

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank
God, I still have my driver's license.

=======

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my
leotards on, the class was over.

=======

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher
exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me
twice a week'

=======

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

=======

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

=======

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker .

=======

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast
relief.'

=======

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

=======
:zzz:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Ago 18, 2013 10:54 pm

Computer Tech Support


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A black one...

==================

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my disc out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the release button?
Customer: Yes, sure; the tray comes out but there's nothing in it.
Tech support: Does disc content show up on your screen?
Customer: ...Oh! ...wait a minute..... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.


===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer over and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.


===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the carnival.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer..
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk to the other side of the
room.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, and the numbers 7274.
Customer: Is the 7274 in capital letters?

== =============

Customer: I can't open Yahoo calendar.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes... five stars.

===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Hotmail.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program..
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: ....Who the hell transferred this call to me???

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that's a good point. The
guy sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer
is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now hit
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!


:zzz:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Ago 21, 2013 12:11 pm

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
8D
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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