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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Ago 23, 2013 3:01 am

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Larrry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "


Littlle Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

8D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Ago 23, 2013 2:26 pm

THE POTTY



A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."



BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."



MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"



BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP
:sick:
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Ago 26, 2013 7:48 am

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."




:-O
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Ago 26, 2013 4:34 pm

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw..The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, !
"Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said .....

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
8D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Ago 26, 2013 6:01 pm

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he
says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was
any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United
States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and
monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money
laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements
of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must
follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for
Michelle."

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day,
Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he
was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot
across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be
Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He
pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis
ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only
you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly,
my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I
can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do . . .
I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Sep 03, 2013 8:51 am

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Michigan, and still wearing all this shit?
:D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Sep 03, 2013 7:22 pm

The Blue Pigeon.
*********************


The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.



He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poo, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.



It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.




One Day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.



'I Can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.



Or,
You can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.


All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.



The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.


The
Mayor asked:


'Do You have a blue Muslim ??
:-D :bomba:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Sep 03, 2013 10:52 pm

Coroner's Report



Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.



The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.



The Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'



'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'



The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'



'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O’Neil, Argentinian 30, struck by lightning.'



'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.



:tongo: 'Thought he was having his picture taken'
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Sep 06, 2013 9:36 am

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming'.
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.
:o
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Sep 09, 2013 11:33 am

You gotta love him!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f…..' cat!!!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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