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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Sep 09, 2013 12:11 pm

HOLY HUMOR


During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember

these four great religious truths :

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.


GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and

bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing

when he was on the Ark ?" " No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.



THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the

most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month

to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't

remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the

congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the

microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to

know.



UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and

bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked

him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant

of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your

prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"



ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every

family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several

weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity

got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about

all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by

saying 'All Men'!


SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little

Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait

until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at

our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house

and she knows how to cook.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Sep 12, 2013 7:59 pm

GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.

A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD Good or What!?
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Sep 12, 2013 8:14 pm

Two women are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks
at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to ya, that
you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Aye, I surely am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did ya live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A loovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith and begorrah, it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!
Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.
I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Flanagan twins are drunk again.'
:mariposa: :mariposa:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Sep 14, 2013 10:01 am

SARCASM AT ITS BEST

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings.
She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months,
would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man!
Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened,
a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill.
And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!" --
:mariposa:
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Sep 16, 2013 10:50 am

A guy walks into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife"
8D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Sep 18, 2013 7:49 pm

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up

and appeared

before Allah. He said, " Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I

have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in

terrorist training

school, I never was with a woman.

So, instead of 72 virgins,

who also won't know what to do

sexually, can I have 72

whores? Allah regarded him for

a moment, then replied,

"Actually,

the 72 virgins are here

in heaven because ass

holes like

you murdered them before

they could experience

the

pleasure of sex.

So you're here

to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite

sexually hungry;and frankly, you'll be on a constant and

very exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well,

I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep

72 women satisfied for all eternity ?"

Allah replied quizzing, "Who told you they were women?"
:evil:
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Sep 18, 2013 8:14 pm

cid:X.MA1.1364984951@aol.com
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered –

'Is that one word or two?'
:amor:
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Sep 22, 2013 7:52 pm

An exceptionally Good Catholic Joke!!

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that!
With one little wave of your hand....
Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the
land!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Dom Sep 22, 2013 8:06 pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man

who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day,

every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and

there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned

to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking Wall"
:D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Sep 25, 2013 5:02 am

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.
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