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Jokes

Para los de nuestra misma edad.

Moderadores: billpatt, Kilometro29

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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Sep 25, 2013 7:42 am

Jewish Humor...

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

*What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only
this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack
and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him
another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The
study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the
play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I
haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.


:crazy:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Jue Sep 26, 2013 3:48 pm

The Male Fairy Tale.


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me ?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky, beer, and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate Spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous flatus, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank . . . and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

:zzz:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Oct 04, 2013 3:33 pm

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Oct 16, 2013 1:07 pm

For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop.

I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?!



A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.


He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'


The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'


What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'


'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... Means three pancakes; a pair of headlights...Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'


(I love this one...! )


She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!


FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Oct 26, 2013 4:36 pm

Understanding Women. At least...some pointers!


FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you
takeout the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
this means "something", and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside
down, and backwards.
'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'


GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and
she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.


LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not
move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you back
for whatever it is that you have done.
That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and
in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.


GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to
be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse
or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have
done . You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"


THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say
you're welcome.




THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and
will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what
is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing"

:amor:
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mié Oct 30, 2013 10:26 am

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver`s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.



7 Degrees of Blonde

1st DEGREE: A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, undoubtedly blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

2nd DEGREE: Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd DEGREE: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th DEGREE: A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, ""Oh that's easy: "W."

5th DEGREE: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

6th DEGREE: A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th DEGREE: Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Sab Nov 02, 2013 1:30 pm

Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife....

"Honey....! Come see what I created....!
It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"



She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

8D
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Mar Nov 05, 2013 1:53 pm

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Vie Oct 30, 2015 7:37 pm

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.





COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.







JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.





**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Bil






>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Children Are Quick
____________________________________



TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________




______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.



(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
:D
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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Re: Jokes

Notapor billpatt » Lun Nov 09, 2015 6:59 pm

What part of your body goes to Heaven first?


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room and laugh outside.
No es más rico quien más tiene, sino quien menos necesita!
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