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Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mar Dic 01, 2015 9:57 am
por billpatt
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , U.S. President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "proper," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."


Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Dic 17, 2015 8:13 pm
por billpatt
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchase the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e-bay) and put it in the CENTER of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT charged me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of way and security can't pat us down.

only in USA

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Ene 07, 2016 12:15 pm
por billpatt
Patient with a bad toothache goes to a female dentist.
She informs him she will have to sleep his mouth to pull his tooth.
He refuses in a loud voice: NO! I can´t have injections in my mouth….I´m too afraid of them!

“How about sleeping gas? I have a new tank of gas right here!
“Gas?....no no no….just the thought of having a mask over my face scares me too much!”

“How about pills?........Yea, I´m alright with pills…..
So she gives him two little diamond shaped pills, which he swallows with water.

“What kind of pills were those?.......Viagras!.......I didn´t know Viagra was also a pain killer!

It isn´t. But it will give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth!!

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mié Ene 20, 2016 8:13 pm
por billpatt

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair"

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mar Feb 02, 2016 10:28 pm
por billpatt
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," say's the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that
a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where
is my husband?”

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "there was an accident down at the Guinness

"Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is
dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee.”


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell
me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"


Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Vie Feb 05, 2016 11:03 pm
por billpatt
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt Auto with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!”

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Sab Feb 27, 2016 10:12 pm
por billpatt
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Lun Feb 29, 2016 6:32 pm
por billpatt
My new neighbours, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like as a welcoming gift.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that
they misunderstood me when I said: "I wanna watch !"

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!

It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that

they misunderstood me when I said: "I wanna watch !"

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Lun Feb 29, 2016 7:14 pm
por billpatt
Airborne approximately thirty minutes into an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement...

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up – one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...”

“I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came four hours later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."


Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mié Mar 02, 2016 9:25 am
por billpatt
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne .....
Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite!

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne .... Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."

Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."


Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."


Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"