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Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mar Mar 15, 2016 1:57 pm
por billpatt
The Difference Between CRAZY and STUPID

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tire when he was about to leave.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire off.
When he was about to replace the flat tire with the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the nuts into a storm drain.
Realizing he can't fish the nuts out, he starts to panic.

A patient walking by asks him what happened.

The driver told him his problem. And the patient said "Can't even fix such a simple problem... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

"Here's what you can do, take one nut each from the other 3 tires and then tighten them on to the spare. Then drive to the nearest garage and replace the missing ones, easy as that!"
The driver was very impressed and asked: "You're so smart but why are you here in a Mental Hospital?"

Patient replied:

"Hello, I am here because I'm CRAZY, not STUPID!! "

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Vie May 20, 2016 7:34 pm
por billpatt
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $155,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $130,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could was no way you could discount this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man......

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that asshole to lower the price.................

See you later, dad."

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Jun 16, 2016 7:47 pm
por billpatt
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the
Middle East.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the
governments don't know where to start with providing
help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary
assistance Latin American countries are sending

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle
and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in
rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending
two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless President Trump.

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Jul 14, 2016 9:18 pm
por billpatt
Gabriel Saldana

1. Panamanians are never broke, they’re “clean”. (Estar limpio)

2. A Panamanian never gets a hangover, they “have glue”. (Tener goma)

3. Panamanians are never surprised or upset. Instead they simply exclaim “porkchop”! (¡Chuleta!)

4. In the US, you might “spill the tea” to share some juicy gossip, but Panamanians “throw the tape”. (Tirar cinta)

5. And when you want to ask for the latest gossip, you ask Panamanians to “tell me the uproar”. (Dime el bochinche)

6. Panamanians never make fun of you, they “blow you up”. (Te estoy reventando)

7. A Panamanian doesn’t hurry up, they “give it leather”. (¡Dale cuero!)

8. A Panamanian will never try to bullshit you or lie to you; they will, however, start “talking straws”. (Está hablando paja)

9. Panamanians don’t get cheated on, they “get burned”. (Me quemó)

10. Panamanians don’t catch a small bus, they “grab a goat”. (Agarrar una chiva)

11. A Panamanian isn’t unlucky, they are “salty”. (Está salado)

12. A Panamanian doesn’t simply drink alcohol, they “suck” alcohol. (Chupar)

13. Panamanians don’t simply party hard, they “tear off”! (Arrancarse)

14. It’s not enough to simply have done a great job, Panamanians must “throw it away” to make it worthy of praise. (La botaste)

15. Panamanians never make mistakes, they “make a shit”. (Hice una cagada)

16. A Panamanian don’t have any excuse for telling lies, not even “nuggets on their tongue” to stop them from speaking the truth. (No tiene pepitas en la lengua)

17. Panamanians won’t simply tell you ‘you suck’, they say you’re “on a boat”. (Estás en panga

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Mar Ago 23, 2016 10:06 am
por billpatt
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell yousumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, lady, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Ago 25, 2016 5:10 pm
por billpatt

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and bikinis.....soooo excited.

Entire day at sea, beautiful lunch by the pool. Saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

Spent the day by the pool and hitting golf balls off the deck.

Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino and Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.

Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.

He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.

I was shocked.

Feeling absolutely fabulous..........saved 1,652 lives last night - twice !


Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Sab Ago 27, 2016 9:19 am
por billpatt
When they were young lads, Brian and Greg walked into a pharmacy one day,

picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked Brian, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, Brian replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

Brian replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for Greg.

He's my best friend. He's six."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." Brian said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim,

play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of that.”

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Vie Sep 16, 2016 8:35 pm
por billpatt
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Lun Sep 19, 2016 6:36 pm
por billpatt
To Be 8 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Re: Jokes

NotaPublicado: Jue Sep 22, 2016 7:42 pm
por billpatt
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should
have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable, after all….